the shit and the stuff

Ann Curry likes carpets

2007-05-29T06:34:00.000-07:00

I really cannot stand Ann Curry. The disdain I have for this woman cannot be contained in my blog alone. She totes has the hots for Angelina too. She's just such a bitch. You know everyone on the Today show hates her guts. She probably steals Al's food and hits on Matt Lauer because ho seriously looks like a cross between Bai Ling and that stripper chick from Charm School.

Stank ho what?

2007-05-29T06:28:00.000-07:00

Britney Spears is still a bit of a mess. She has Miss. Cleo's wardrobe and her weave ain't tight. No matter how much you scrub, you can't get rid of the stank.

Trying to make a dollar outta fifteen cents

2007-05-29T06:20:00.000-07:00

Hayden Panettiere and Rumer Willis decided to go out into the sunlight which is smart because Rumer seriously looks like deranged potato corpse bride and Hayden is wearing uggs. Case closed.

P.S. Who wears uggs?

Broke yo' crown

2007-05-29T06:16:00.000-07:00

Miss America fell on her bony ass. This would be really sad except for the fact that the ho wore the street-walker delight on sale for $99.99 at David's Bridal. She seriously looks like an ad for an escort service, which is what she'll probably do from now on since she totally ate it in front of millions of viewers and everyone who saw this clip on youtube. Ooops.

Lindsay, why so drunk?

2007-05-29T06:05:00.000-07:00

I don't want this site to become Lohan worship territory, so I'll keep it short and simple.

Bitch got crunk. Bitch crashed her car. Bitch went out again. Bitch got crunk. Homegirl went to rehab.......again.

Gotta love this ho.

Lindsay Lohan kan't spell and does drugs

2007-04-20T20:39:00.000-07:00

Someone hacked into Lindsay Lohan's Myspace Account.

Update: Supposedly the hack is a big fat fake! Although, I'm sure the "fake" posts aren't too far from the real thing, L-Lo has the vocabulary of a drunk fifth grader.

WARNING, This post may induce a craving for sausage......

2007-04-20T20:31:00.000-07:00

Certain people should not show their legs. Kelly Clarkson may be one of them. I don't know who thought it would be a good idea to NOT drape her in loose fitting black fabric, but they should seriously consider getting their eyes checked. Pass the snausage.

Salma is hiding something in her chest........

2007-04-16T16:43:00.000-07:00

According to the very reputable "awful plastic surgery.com" Salma Hayek is hiding something in her blouse.

The thing she is hiding in her chest is either:
A) Biscotti
B) Oranges
C) Two small kittens
D) REally fake boobs

Personally, I'd go with C) Kittens but that's just how I roll. Oh yeah, Bitch is preggers too. Congrats!

Jordan is a superstar

2007-04-16T16:39:00.000-07:00

Katie Price, a former glamour model from the UK is my hero. Her voice is incredible, and she is the epitome of class, grace and beauty. This is a vintage clip of Jordan aka Katie Price. I hope you enjoy it as much as I do. Brilliant.

Girly Girlz

2007-04-16T16:23:00.000-07:00

Although Brooke Hogan looks like a cheap drag queen, has a bad spray tan, makes really awful music and has a Dad with as much class as a ten cent hooker from the South Bronx, I really don't mind her. I mean, it's not her fault she's from South Florida. However, she may want to look into to hiring a stylist and maybe a doctor. I hear hormone replacement is pretty expensive but I'm sure after a year of transition she'll start to look and sound female.

Britney Spears likes hats

2007-04-16T16:07:00.000-07:00

I think Britney Spears is really smart. That is all.

Why Homeless people should NOT go to movie premieres.......

2007-04-16T15:55:00.000-07:00

Spider-Man 3 is coming out, which is great. I've always been a fan of the film franchise. Tobey McGuire HELLO!!!! However, I'm not sure why they let a homeless person wearing someone's window treatment walk the red carpet. Aparently this premiere was a charity event as well. Weird.

In other news, Tobey's Baby-Mamma is really freaking fugly.
Take a look.
Supposedly, his fiance has a very "inside hollywood daddy". I sense that this fling was supposed to be for career advancement he knocked the ho up and now he's trying to deal with it all. That's just what a little birdy told me. Gosh I can't look at Jennifer's face anymore, it's going to haunt me in my sleep. She should audition to be an extra in the Lord of the Ring's movies. She'd make a great gnome or whatever.

Spring make me sleep!

2006-10-30T06:24:00.000-08:00

So, miracle of miracles Duncan Sheik wrote the music for a new musical on broadway called "Spring Awakening" based on the play written in the 19th century. I guess it's about adolescence and how much it sucks to get boners and stuff. Personally I think the only place Duncan Sheik should be is Gay night at the Roxy but that's just me.

Here's the video:

I believe this is for the song "the Bitch of Livin". Who thought that the great white way could cheapen itself so much. Duncan Sheik? What? Am I on the crazy pills again?

Anyway, you know I'll be on line first thing because some of the guys in it are kinda hot and I cheapen my morals for hot people.

2006-10-28T11:47:00.000-07:00

Hey guys, remember Natasha Lyonne? I loved that bitch.

Well, I'd like to start a movement to bring back Natasha's career. Perhaps a petition?

I know that she veered off the deep end and became sort of a dirty crack ho' but if I had to play the STD version of Russian Roulet, and it was between Courtney Love, a baby found in a dumpster and Natasha, we ALL know who I'd choose.

Reasons why I like Natasha Lyonne...

1. She sounds like she's been smoking ciggies since she was in the womb.

2. She could beat the shit out of me.

3. She could arm wrestle in a women's detention center while doing lines of f a stripper's ass while making out with Chuck Norris.

Let's do this people.

RING THE ALARM, your career is over.

2006-09-10T19:04:00.000-07:00

THE Fashion Rocks benefit wasn't too long ago. While searching through photos of said event, I found the photo above.

I thought....who the fuck is that? I looked through IMDB and a couple other legit. websites, and low and behold....that poor excuse of a 'wannabe tranny hooker' is indeed...

DAISY FUCKING FUENTES

I understand that life on the D-List can be hard. However, going to the plastic surgeon everytime you feel a little down is going to make you look like my 7th grade science project, which I think contained broccoli and some type of mold. If you take a look at the close ups, she looks tired, worn down and super dee duper drugged.

Also, women over the age of 35 should not wear necklines that low. They are NOT flattering. They are not cute.

You've aged sweetheart, time to dress appropriately.

Speaking of appropriate:

( My youtube stuff isn't working, please visit http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=v5xMHg5ds9Q for the Beyonce Video, my apologies.)

I believe the creator of Beyonce's career ( ie. her father) has gone completely insane.

The song is awful, the dancing looks like a 5 year old choreographed it, and the outfit is completely WHORIFIC:
( I know this isn't the outfit in the video, but it proves my point)

I mean, in all honesty, I'm still buying the same outfit in every color available and wearing catsuits under trench coats in public, but come on Beyonce!

No one wants to see that!

Cover the cooter up! The little booty-shorts on your booty do not make you look good. They look god-awful. I too, am a full-figured woman ( sort of) but sweet-heart, we all know that certain things work and certain things...well, don't.

All of the sylists out there, need to get fired. Beyonce's stylist needs to be hung from a pole while slowly being dipped like a nacho into molten lava.

I do not want to see your birthing-canal.

Eeewwwww. Cottage Cheese on stage.

THE MUSIC ISSUE

2006-09-10T18:38:00.000-07:00

It's one thing to find a guy who can dance......

It is quite another to find one who can SING and dance......

To find a white guy who can dance?

That's about as rare as a Unicorn...

CAse in point, Mr. Justin Timberlake:

I've become completely transfixed with this performance at the 2006 VMA's. I think the song ( 'My Love') is completely brilliant, bringing old school R&B and dance/trance music together. Justin has finally matured into the male version of "Madonna" or perhaps a closer comparison would be his old flame "Britney Spears" who, although lacking obvious vocal talent, brought a tremendous amount of energy and charisma to the belabored "backstreet boy" pop scene.

With the current political administration, breakout of global warfare and various problems that plague our everyday lives, it is completely refreshing to listen to a pop album that's fresh, innovative and sexual, in the way Justin Timberlake is sexual; a blend of ethnocentric curiosity, comfortable Americana, and raunchy lyrics.

I feel like this album FutureSexLoveSounds is a huge turning point in Mr. Timberlake's career. It is the essential pop album for those appreciative of catchy tunes about sex, love and raunchy risque fun.

To preview the album, go to: http://blogcritics.org/archives/2006/08/29/152319.php
If you're smart, you know how to get the mp3's on your itunes before the album actually drops.

For legal reasons, I'll only say that right clicks are really important.

Letter of TRUTH PART 1,204 from SURI.....

2006-09-10T15:40:00.000-07:00

Dearest Earthlinnnnnnnnnggggggggsssssssssss,

I, Suri Cruise have a fabulous photo-spreaddddddd, in Vanitttttyyy FAirrrrrrr. This is a message to all of those earthlinnngggggsss who do not believe in the great L. Ron Hubbarrrrrrrd.

I am here!!! IAM HERE TO STAY!!! You think I am not reallll!!!! You doubt me!!! I will anal-rape you with my laser beam of Xenu!!!!!! I am SURI CRUISE and I have POWAH! Mwaaaaahahahahahahahahahahahahahaha!

Learned you is that, on the third day of the sunrising.... L. Ron will give you Humannns, instructions on the way of the Scientologistssssss. Be ready for the day of EVILLLL.

Officially,
SURI

The saddest panda alive, a letter of hope, despair and finding my inner fat girl...by Jessica Simpson

2006-09-05T08:29:00.000-07:00

The saddest panda alive, a letter of hope, despair and finding my inner fat girl...
by Jessica Simpson

This is going to be the title of the new Jessica biography. I would say Autobiography, but we all know she can't read. Who am I kidding, a small monkey called bobo is actually writing this for me right now. I'm not even real. I'm about as real as Lee Press ons that got stuck in Anna Nicole's cleavage crack.

Jessica Simpson used to be so annoyingly cute. She was one of those people who wake up looking absolutely suberb and beautiful, naturally. Emphasis on Natural.

Now, she looks like a washed up tranny hooker, that was dumped in the Nevada desert, along with a lace up reebok, a can of beans and some smack.

And what is up with the jumper? Is she five? I mean I know she has the intelligence of a Wombat, but doesn't she PAY people to dress her? Bitches failed on all levels.

NEXT!!!!!!!!

The FIRECROTCH IS BACK!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

2006-09-05T06:59:00.000-07:00

Hello my adoring fans!!!!

What's up homies? I am doing great! Just great!

Do you see my hat, that I am wearing!? Do you see it!!!!????????? Do you????

Listen fuckers, my hat has meaning. A symbololical meaning. It means stop questioning my love with Harry. He told me he named his Pink Taco restaurant chain after me. I think that's because pink is one of my favorite colors. Paris H. said it's because of my VAG. Wut-ever.

She's a dirty slutmonger. I think we should call her Paris Penis, because she's dumb and mean.

So, y'all need to stop queschuning my love, stop queschuning my world, and start partying!!! Cuz the Firecrotch is back, and my hair is NOT oily.

That is not a question.

Peace fuckers,
Linz aka Hot btichaopiwjeroiajer

SAD PANDA TIME!!!!!!!!

2006-09-04T08:24:00.000-07:00

This just in......

"Steve Irwin, the TV host known as the "Crocodile Hunter," has died after being stung by a stingray off Australia's north coast. Irwin, 44 was killed by a stingray barb that went through his chest, according to police sources. Irwin was filming an underwater documentary at the time."

Is anyone at all surprised? Raise your hand if you are. If you're surprised that a guy who spends time trying to piss off animals, and plays with crocodiles is dead.....you should start riding the speshul bus......now.

Don't forget your helmet.

I'm going to try and make this entry as depressing as possible, because I have the runs...and my stomach is acting like most of the men in my life, it is rejecting me.

"Ellen DeGeneres walked away from a three-vehicle collision caused by a suspected drunken driver, police said."

You can mess with anyone you want. You can kill the Crocodile Hunter!!! You can fuck with my baby's mamma.......but when you mess with my favorite carpet muncher of all time.....then we have a MAJOR problem.

Ellen is the smoothe, rich thread that holds our country together. Bitch knows how to shake her money maker....and she likes to date hot ho's half her age ( can you say Portia?). Ellen is the bomb...hands down.

Time to travel back to 1996...I just used 'the bomb' in a sentence.

Dumb ass ho's

2006-08-27T07:50:00.001-07:00

Laguna Beach, Season 3 is now in full swing on MTV.

I've watched the first couple of episodes, and I didn't think it was possible, but MTV has succeeded in finding the laziest, dumbest bitches alive. The worst part is...the kids on the show aren't ever that hot! WTF!!! If you're going to create a reality television show, at least give me something attractive to look at.

Case in point:

I'm sorry, but when I'm served a glass of dumb with a side of stupid, I want it dressed like a dime bag hooker, wearing a size zero and an expensive weave.

The worst part is, these bitches are rich!!! Rich I say!! They could at leat afford some plastic surgery. But no, MTV has to cast girls who look like when they're not suffering from the "Drama" of which Beamer to chose, they're curling up by their flatscreen eating Ben & Jerry's, chilli cheese fries and the cast of Laguna Beach 2.

ASSHOLE ALERT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

2006-08-27T07:40:00.000-07:00

So, Taylor Hicks is a rich, grey, bitch and apparently he wants to sue a guy who is selling old demos of him singing ( ie. masturbating into a paper bag ).

CNN reports:

"Hicks claimed Smith and his companies, William Smith Productions and Baldwin Entertainment, wrongly tried to make money selling three songs that Hicks wrote and recorded with Smith -- "The Fall," "Son of a Carpenter," and "In Your Time."

Well, if you ask me, "Son of a Carpenter" sounds like a real tear-jerker and all around hit that would appeal to many audiences. Audiences like Wisconsin Lumberjacks who tell you they're just going to the grocery store to pick you up some advil for your awful period cramps but don't really get the advil and just go over to some dumb bitch's apartment to screw and eat cheese. Not that I would know anything about that...

So......Taylor Hicks.....I think he should just quit singing and make a nude calendar called "Days of Grey", rub himself all over with massage oil and call it a day. Although, Taylor, if you're reading this, I could definately help you out with the rubbing part. I'm a great rubber. Hahah, rubber......I mean the act of rubbing not condoms, what?

Suri is worried..........

2006-08-17T11:05:00.000-07:00

LETTER OF TRUTH FROM THE OFFICIAL DESK OF SURI CRUISE,
PRESIDENT AND RULER OF PLANET XENU

Hello earthlingggggs,

I am Surrrrrriiiiiiii, president of Xenu. I come to write to tell you, the end in nigh, earthlingggggggggss. Nigh, Nigh, nigh. The Scientologistsssssssss will be invadddddding soonnnnn.

You may be asking, where have I been hidingggggg. In my earth mother's arms? Nay Human! Nay!!!! I have been living inside of the 4th ring of hell, Parisss Hilton'sssss new album. I like the dampness of her vaginnnnnnnnaaaaa. It delights me.

Remember, the end is niiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiigh HUMANS!!!!! Eat chickennnnnnnnnn!!!!!!

Officially,

SURI CRUISE

THE NEW KENNEDY'S

2006-08-17T10:59:00.000-07:00

Nothing says class, like a bottle of jack and a baggy of crack. Love it.

Love it.

Tom Cruise says:

2006-08-15T21:43:00.000-07:00

JUST SAY NO TO XENU!!!!!!!!!

Sexy where?

2006-08-15T21:34:00.000-07:00

Gossip and lying bitches

2006-08-15T20:02:00.000-07:00

Remember the days when Britney was hot?

When Justin was still with NSYNC, and Lance Bass was buried in his closet?

I came across a youtube video that brought me back to those happy, happy days:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=jW4dxkrzv3g

Oh, how I long for the days back in 8th grade. I used to sit in my Bedroom and plan out which outfit made me look more "Britney" and hope that year of Highschool, we'd get a foreign exchange student who dressed a little "gay" like JC, my favorite member of NSYNC......ahhh those were the days! ( Don't forget the shiny pants!!! I still love the shiny pants!!!!!! )

Justin and Britney, together! That makes sense! The following Justin Timberlake comment does not:

"I've had my genealogy studied. There was a British lad who was in a war but ran away as he fell in love with an Indian girl... and that's where my family tree started,"

Right Justin....the only roots you have, are the ones on your head that grew out after NSYNC....

Bitch needs to stop lyin'. Justin is straight out the trailer park, not Park Manor.

In other news, a source very close to SHITANDSTUFF tells me that not long ago

" I was out at The Roxy in LA, and Mischa Barton was putting something up her nose, and I'm pretty sure it was white, powdery and.....oh yeah..COCAINE"

Funny, right after I heard I found THIS picture:

Yeah, kind of too obvious.

So, speaking of obvious. WE have an ASSHOLE OF THE DAY!!!!!!!

The Asshole of the day is someone who exists in our hearts and minds, but cannot have her picture taken, or the camera will shatter into a million pieces and hell will freeze over.

THE ASSHOLE OF THE DAY IS:

SURI CRUISE

Well, actually I'm a lyin' ho, because this somethin' from flavor of love. However, when are we going to see the alien baby? I want her to suck my brain out and dance around like the predators in the 'Alien' movies. Suri, call me.

Also, Suri is a baby of color. Tom is just prejudiced.

Peace.

Feed your f'in kids

2006-08-14T18:32:00.000-07:00

Letter #1

Dear Dina Lohan,

I know grocery stores on Long Island, tend to be a bit on the pricey side. I mean, $1.35 for Kraft Macoroni and Cheese? Granny Smith apples for $1.05 per pound?

And I know you're "raising" more than one child, on your own no less! You're kinda, sorta, a single mom.

However, what is going on with mini-firecrotch? AKA Ali "sadeyes" Lohan?

Child needs her vegetables and protein, and not from the type of protein source Lindsay goes to *cough*Wilmer*cough*penis*cough*

As Vulgar as I am, I know that you should not give chocolate to a dog, but you should INDEED give some much needed chocolate, and perhaps some steak, to this little girl. God knows the last thing she needs is to hang out with Rachel Zoe and start looking like a washed up Rockette, who's living her dreams through her daughter......but you wouldn't know anything about that, right?

Love,
The Dirty Diva aka shitandstuff

Hipsters not hip

2006-08-12T21:30:00.000-07:00

I think I may be in the twilight zone.

It's been about 2 years since I last stepped into an Urban Outfitters.

I know the country is divided politically, we're at war with lots of people, and George Bush is a moron.

During times like this, you need a litle hope, a little inspiration.

So, why on earth would you pay 48 dollars and 95 cents to look like Tina Turner during the Ike years?

I just don't get it. Formal shorts? Lumberjack shirts? Unless your name is Thelma and you work in a Lesbian biker bar, there is no reason to put such an offensive garnment on your hard-working, but mislead back.

Seriously, if you really want to look like a homeless person, give me a call and I'll dump some of my trash on your head and smear dirt across your trousers and take a dump in your lap while my dog pisses on your shirt.

Speaking of Dirt and piss, Lauren from "The Hills" and her boyfriend, Jason Whaler have called it quits.

However, the way things "went down" were not revealed until now in a recent NY Post article:
" The show, which revolves around privileged 19-year-old Lauren Conrad, appears to have missed a violent breakup with boyfriend Jason last weekend, as producers have yet to start shooting the new season.'

"Building staff at the apartment complex where Conrad lives have been informed that she and roommate Heidi are moving out, according to sources close to the production.

Already the locks on her apartment have been changed, and the building's staff is under strict orders to physically remove Jason if he tries to get in. "

Well, well, well.........How could Lauren possibly not want Jason Whaler? I mean, he's so cool that he didn't graduate from high-school, reportedly beat the shit out of his ex-girlfriend, and has been in and out of rehab for the past couple of years. Oh yeah!!!! He's also bipolar!!!! What a dream boat.

The only thing sadder than a bipolar, coke-head, bloated, abuser, Jason Priestly wannabe, is this picture of him:

One of the reasons, 'The Hills' was so much more entertaining than Laguna Beach, was the fact we got to watch Jason coked out of his mind on New Years Eve. His eyes looked wider than a Cambodian refuge looking at a piece of cheese.

This just IN!!!!

2006-08-11T10:01:00.000-07:00

PR newsire reports:

'On Thursday nights throughout July and August, customers will be able to check out Gap's new jeans, denim jackets, skirts and more while listening to popular bands perform in select Gap stores. From the Plain White T's in Chicago to Graham Colton with Joe Purdy in Los Angeles, Ronnie Day in San Francisco and Matt White in New York - customers will have the chance to see some of their favorite up-and-coming bands play in an intimate store setting this fall.

Right, because nothing is cooler than performing in a Gap store. Losers!

Fantastical Fantasia

2006-08-11T09:12:00.000-07:00

SFgate.com Reports:
"The upcoming TV movie "Fantasia: Life Is Not a Fairy Tale," which is set to air on the Lifetime network next month, suggests bosses on the 2004 talent contest program encouraged her to leave the show.

In the film's opening scene, Barrino -- who plays herself -- is called to see a producer who informs her of internet gossip that describes her as a poor role model for children because she dropped out of school and is a single mother.

The TV executive then tells Barrino, then 19, that nobody would blame her if she quit'

I have to say, telling Fantasia she's a bad role model is like saying Kelly Clarkson is a good role model. Ho has the worst wardrobe ever. And supposedly Vitamin Water told her bitchass to drop a couple pounds. Maybe if she just stopped clothing herself like an Oberlin student on Crack, she wouldn't look like she just took a school trip to the Ben & Jerry's factory....and ate a vat of Cookies N'Cream and Chunky Monkey and Cookie-Dough and Cherry Garcia and Bananarama and the whole country of Sweden.

Kelly, go to the gap, they have sales!

I love a Saggy Ass early in the mornin'

2006-08-11T09:02:00.000-07:00

This is a picture from Lindsay Lohan's new article in ELLE magazine. She talks about how she does not do Cocaine, and how she's a bombshell or something. If by Bombshell she means 74 year old who likes to do blow and is starting to look like her 50 year old wired, freaky mother, than yeah, she's a total BOMBSHELL.

Ya know Lindsay, you need a man in your life. A man and a couple of pancakes. You should date my dad. He makes killer pancakes, and he's married, so that gives you the whole DRAMA thing which you could possible use as fuel for your acting which so lacks....everything.

Go to Rehab. You, and your flabby as bore the hell out of me....

NEXT!!!!!!!!!!

Letter from Longoria

2006-08-11T08:43:00.000-07:00

Dear World,

I am Eva Longoria!!! I am the most beautiful woman EVER!!! Notice how EVER and EVA are basically the same word, except not. Yeah...I mean Si!!!!, that is another reason why I am so caliente! I don't have to wear makeup when I go outside because people love my naturale beauty.

Anyway, I am soo in AMOR with my pico pico lalala caliente boyfriend, Tony Parker. He is all I can speak about because he is sooo mucho, mucho hotta hotta lovah.

I am sooo hot!!! Don't touch me, or you will be set on FIRE!!!!!!!!! AYAYAYAYAYAYAYAYAYAYA!!!!!!

Time to eat salsa and shimmy with my costars!!!! And then......take over da world!!!! SI! Si, Si, Si!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I hate to go hump Tony and tell everyone that all I do is masturbate.

Bye Bye!

I mean, ADIOS!!!!

EVAH!!!

Christina Aguilera is a REAL artist

2006-08-11T08:21:00.000-07:00

Christina Aguilera is a real artist, in case you didn't know. She's so real that she sings with her "real" voice in "real" hotpants with "real" high-heels and "real" RED lipstick.

"It's frustrating always being compared to Britney because we are two very different artists... We both dance and sing but people have not yet had enough time to realise that there is a huge difference between us. If she wants to go and do something, I'll want to do the opposite."

Funny, this quote is from a couple years ago and not much has changed. Christina Aguilera wears whore-red lipstick, and looks like she's been vacationing with her Columbian druglord boyfriend on holiday, and has tits that are harded than a marble floor. Britney Spears is mother of 1 and a half kids, and has a husband who's penis is harded than a marble floor. The only thing separating them is a large bag of CHEETOS Britney bought at the local BJ's wholesale club.

Skincare for beginners

2006-08-10T19:26:00.000-07:00

Dear Rachel Zoe,

Please put a paper-bag over your head. Make sure air cannot get inside it. Stay there for at least five minutes. Make sure you're wearing one of your sack dresses.

Bitch, you need an f'in Botox cocktail...........stat.

Love,

shitandstuff

P.S. Just say no to sunlight.

P.P.S. My eyes are bleeding.

P.P.P.S. A hamburger wouldn't hurt....I'm just sayin'. I'll make you one if you want.

Hawter than Hawt

2006-08-10T19:05:00.000-07:00

Are you trying to shed a couple of pounds before school starts?

Is your super secret crush, crushin' on you taking some seriously needed trimspa?

Do you want hear your bones clanking against eachother when you're giving your bf/gf hot monkey love in the sack?

Well.......if you've answered YES to any of these questions, we have just what you're looking for.

Nicole Richie's *******LAXATIVE LUAU********

Go from FLAB ( like Keira Knightly)

TO FAB!!!!!!

Like Hot Mr. Bag O' Bones!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! So f'in hawt!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

On a three night cruise, co-sponsored by the Christian coalition for fun. I, Nicole Richie, will setup Port-a-potties, basins, and tons of laxatives, and laxative type foods around the "Good Ship Lolipop Head" where I will coach in you in how to remove every inch of flesh from your body. For only $39.95 per night, you can trim down.........to nothing.

Peace bitch!

2006-07-30T19:42:00.000-07:00

Hello lovely readers!

Most of you come up to me and ask me on the street, how I maintain my lovely figure, and to be honest, I'm going to let you in on a little secret....

I never eat.

Hahahaha...................

No really, food is so five years ago.

So, I told the author of this lovely blog that for those of you who actually like to digest solids........she should review diet pills.

Why not right? Pills are so cute and hawt.

So, watch out for some celebrity testimonials about random diet pills and get ready for the ride of your life.

TUBE HEAD: Review of MTV's 'The Hills'

2006-06-02T08:41:00.000-07:00

MTV's new show 'The Hills' is a spinoff of their hit "reality" show, 'Laguna Beach'.

'The Hills' is about as real as Pamela Anderson's rack. It stars Lauren, from Laguna Beach and her perfect friends who have a collective IQ of 4.

How could you not love a show like 'The Hills'? The delusion these people live in is remarkable for a set of 20-somethings. Aren't 20-somethings who live in LA completely jaded and backstabbing assfaces? Shouldn't Lauren be turning tricks on Sunset Boulevard, in order to earn enough money to pay her rent for the small studio she lives in, while eating beans from a can? Is there no justice in the world?

Lauren does score an internship at 'TeenVOGUE' and we ALL know when you think of reality and "real" people, the first thing that pops into your head is 'VOGUE'. Teen Vogue is soo real that before Lauren goes in to see the Big Cheese (with her dumbass co-worker Whitney), they give them a quick makeover. Supposedly, a jacket in 95 degree LA weather is very 'TeenVogue' and switching Whiteny's Leather belt with a tweed belt is less "western".

The most ironic part is the woman in charge of 'TeenVogue' is completely un-hip, cool, beautiful or stylish. She has a howdy-doody side part that looks painfully out of place, and the type of wrinkles a cosmetic surgeon would die for.

So, maybe 'The Hills' is "real" in a "Dorothy in the Land of Oz" type of way. What we believe to be glamorous is just a curtain with someone who was lost along the way. Considering who the leading lady of this series is, very, very, very... lost.

2006-05-30T11:47:00.000-07:00

So NPR has had a series of "I believe..." essays on the air lately.

I decided to write my own essay.

What I believe by shitandstuff

I believe in a lot of things. I believe that the sky is blue. I believe that grass, (when you actually take care of it) is green.

The greatest belief that I hold near and dear to my heart is the power of Paris Hilton's vagina. I do not respect Paris Hilton. I do not idolize her. I do realize that our Western culture of excess, greed, and self-loathing is deeply and firmly rooted in one woman's cubic area.

Every day we suck in, nip and tuck away, and look in the mirror and hate what we see, all for a skanky socialite's clitoral stimulation. You see, Paris is the girl we wanted to befriend at sleepaway camp, the girl you became infatuated with in middle school, the girl whose flat as a board body and incredibly revealing clothes remind men of someone who is not a woman, but a little girl waiting for a sexual tryst. Although she oozes sex, she speaks as well as my 9 year old neice; nasal inflection, tiny and tinny with small dips in sentences like "That's hott".

She is anti-humanity, anti-woman, but most of all she posesses zero redeeming qualities, yet the whole world seems to be obsessed with her.

And I am a hypocrite. I frown when I get on my bathroom scale, as a child I wished I had long blonde locks, and although she is vapid and about as interesting as my dog's fecal matter, I am transfixed, and like a good car accident, I cannot for the life of me look away from Miss. Hilton's large bite into the demise of western culture.

We are all going to hell in a handbasket, because we're not watching the road or the ocean rather. We're looking at the 12 year olds dressing like strippers but having no idea what sex actually is. We're staring at the women on shows like 'Dr. 90210' butchering their beautiful bodies by adding elements like silicon implants which make them sick.

I believe in the power of Paris Hilton's vagina, because inside that cavernous hole is the one thing that keeps us coming back to the 'E' Entertainment channel's 100 sexiest stars countdown........self-deprecation. We will never find our names on that glorious list of delusion, but because we are human, because many people find waifish bores 'sexy' we will keep dieting, keep cutting, and keep hating ourselves and anyone else who happens to be different because we hate the world.

Letter of Rebuttaal from Linzzzz!!!! (aka firecrotch)

2006-05-30T11:09:00.000-07:00

Wassup Brandon Davis!!!!!!!!!!

I'm writing this letter as a rebut uhl. So I'm like saying you're a dumb whore. If you haven't heard, Brandon Davis told people I was a firecrotch, which is sooo NOT true. Well, Mr. Davis aka dumb whorefacebago'bonesandfatandstuffandIreallyhateyou

Here's a list of the reasons why I am NOT a firecrotch!!!!

1. After I lost my special flower I NAIR'd that shit off!!! Forget wax!!! My vagina is as smooth as Tara Reid's lipo'd tummy.

2. Brandon, you're just jealous you can't get with all the foxy femaleness I have to offer. I'm really sorry, but I came in at #583 on the '20 most hot and easy girls List of LA' in 'LA Magazine for Ho's' and there is no way I would date a guy who's face has more grease on it than the McDonald's fries I just threw up. So Fuck you!

3. My hair is Auburn bitch!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Love,
Linz

Jenny.....but not from the block

2006-05-12T16:21:00.000-07:00

Oh Jennifer Aniston, you are so boring.

You are about as fun as a root canal, with anesthetics. You are about as interesting as a plain piece of white bread.

Bitch, you need to spice that shit up.

The straight hair, anorexic thing is so out the door. Especially since your career is about as steadfast as Anna Nicole chasing that TrimSpa dragon.

This is why, you should become a pirate.

"What's that?" you say....

First, we'll start with some "ethnic jewelery"

Bitch, we need to put some door knocker earrings on your skinny white ass.

Some big gold ones.

Then, we need to put a lipstick color on those thin lips, that go with your thin boday.

How about pink?

Or red?

Well, as long as it is something besides beige, I'm happy.

Then, if we can squeeze that fat ass of yours into some stretch pants, ghetto-boots, and do something with that hair, we're good to go.

You'll end up looking like this:

An improvement if I do say so myself.

" I do say so myself "

On to my asshole of the day:

THE ASSHOLE OF THE DAY is:

Gayngsters!

(also known as "secret" friends of Dorothy)

What is a "gayngster"?

A gayngster is a guy who is definately gay. He loves Judy, almond paste and has a stereotypical lisp, but of course, denies that he loves the Pepe. Bitch, we know you love the penis, stop hatin', insinuatin' and perpatratin'. I don't care how many vaginas you've gotten upclose and personal with, or if you've waited to exhale. You are da gay!!!! I keep coming into contact with this strange species, but I know, your momma knows, even President Bush ( who doesn't know shit) knows you are as gay as a-sunday-brunch-in-da-hamptons-with-mickey-mouse-served-on-blue-china-with-martha-stewart-michael-jackson-madonna-and-pink-table-cloths.

Bitch, you gay!

Peace out.

Lohandjob

2006-05-12T15:43:00.000-07:00

Yo.

I woke up this morning and thought to myself, "How can I be more offensive today?"
Then, I realized I didn't have to try, because I found this:

An Open Letter from Lindsay Lohan:

Wassup Bitches! I wanted to send you a picture to show you that I've stopped purging my meals, and I'm on the road to recovery and health. Look how healthy I look! I'm like totally into health now. Nicole Richie said that if I eat lots of carrots and lettuce, one day I'll be super healthy and look just like her! Ugh, I hope so.

Also, my coke buggers are totally not as bloody as yesterday's. I'm totally not into drugs anyway, because I'm healthy and my publicist told me healthy people don't tell people they do coke, or like don't do it, I'm not sure and I kinda forgot but yeah. I mean, so what if I woke up in a south central dumpster this morning, surrounded by some mosquitos, a $3 burrito and a jimmy choo shoved up my ass!!!! I need to live!!! I need to stop the rumors!!! Let me live!

So yeah, I'm living as you can see by this cute pic of me. Me, da skinny bitch!!! Teehee, lol, omg!!!!

A Letter of Love from Hilary Duff:

2006-05-12T15:42:00.000-07:00

Hey guys!

I'm totally excited to tell you all about my life and my new line of Duff Stuff by Hilary Duff clothing line coming to a large retail store catered to white, middle-class people, really soon!!!!

First, my musical direction has totally evolved and changed in great and exciting ways! I really identify with what you'd consider a hipster. I mean, all it took to get into that awesome electroclash scene was:

-12 hair extensions
-an asymetrical haircut
-purging my food
-taking up crack
-looking like a holocaust survivor

-going to Misshapes
-singing really meaningful lyrics that aren't really meaningful but are because they aren't
-getting a hardcore boyfriend from that band, "Good Shitlotte"

So, I'm doing really well, even though I weigh less than my dog, who is only about 12 pounds. I really love eyeliner!

I've also come out with a whole new line of beauty supplies for my older fans. In the Fall of 06' we'll be marketing Diauretics by Duff, Purging Princess Wands, Pink Power Incontinence Pads ( Geriatrics Rock!), Cutie Crystal meth, and for the hispanics out there, Cocaina Birthday Cakes, with my face on them!!!

We're also developing a line of underwear for homewreckers, underage teens dating guys who are way too old for them, and your mom!

Tootles!
-Hil*

A letter of Renewal from Teri Hatcher.....

2006-05-12T15:41:00.000-07:00

Dear Fans,

After two wonderful season on Desperate Housewives, I think it's time to reach out to my fans, my wonderful, adoring public and ask for your help as I look for a man.

Ryan Seacrest dumped me, which sucks, because he was super cute and had really nice *young* hair, and my publicist says if I want to stay current I have to start dating someone younger, sort of a reverse Demi/Ashton thing. So, please for the love of God, get me a date before I go into menopause and dry up, and use vaginal weights, and order Caftans.

I am young! I am youthful! The corpse-bride thing is sooo IN! And, I think I totally have some banging curves. Eva Longoria, my friend ( read between the lines: my ONLY friend) told me I totally have a ghetto booty. I think she's right, I'm totally plump in all the right places, like in the cushy parts of my brain, or my earlobes.

Well, maybe I can't get a date because I'm overweight, but a girl can't help it if she's voluptuous. Right?

Lots of desperate love,
Teri H OR maybe......TeHO......it sounds younger!

A letter of Wassup from Ashleeeeee!!!!!

2006-05-12T15:40:00.000-07:00

So,

I've been really reaching deep inside my artistic self and stuff, and I realized that life is soo like deep and stuff. My dad told me that I'd be considered more artistic if I fixed my nose, because then I would look like a statue of some cool lady who lived like 200 years ago or something.

Anyway, people are all like omg you and jess are like twins, and I'm all like "whatever beeotches!". Just because I lost half my weight in jelly-beans, dyed my hair blond, and fixed my nose doesn't mean anything. I'm jusss being artistic. Last year, artistic meant wearing lots of tulle and eyeliner, this year I'm just being cute!

Daddy says if I get a boob job, and a colonic I'll really be considered a true artist. Gee, I hope so, especially because my new album is going to drop next year. It's called "Imitation". I think it's really artistic and deep. Well, I better go eat that Ahi tuna, don't want it to get too cold, or else it won't metabolise as quickly and daddy said I'll get fat like jess. ooops, I didn't say that.

L-0-v-E!!!!
-Ashleeeeeeeeeeeeee

Star Jones Reynolds: NOT GAY ( I looked at her picture and threw up a little in my mouth)

2006-05-12T15:37:00.000-07:00

Hello!

My name is Star Jones and I believe if you put your mind to it, you too can succeed. You can have a wonderful life like mine. By reading my new series of books, " I'm a skinny bitch now and he ain't gay bitch!!!!" and living a healthy lifestyle ( read: NOT GAY ) you can achieve your dreams.

Here is my daily schedule:

-Wake up fresh and early in full makeup
-Look for Al
-Al isn't in bed
-Al stayed at The Roxy last night
-Last night was gay night....what was he doing there? Oh, maybe he left his jacket from the other night... but we never go to the roxy, we never go out....I've never even talked to my husband...

My RELATIONSHIP is a SHAM, a SHA.....

SHAZAM!!!! There you have it, live a wonderful life by waking early and looking fierce.

Ha, ok time to find a job cause those stupid white bitches are firing my ass from the view......

Fucking pussymonger.

And I'm not talking about Rosie, I'm talking about that Dykey Barbara Walters.

Lots of thinspiration,
Star!

P.S. My husband ain't gay, he just pretty.
So stop hatin'.

2006-03-03T21:31:00.000-08:00

Dear Bitchy McBitch-Bitch,

I shouldn't even call you Bitchy McBitch-Bitch, because that is too classy for someone like you. I really dislike you with a fervor greater than mankind's ignorance. I know you'll never be as great, as beautiful, as good or as pretty as me, and that is ok. We can't ALL be perfect. However, I think you're a huge cuntwad. If I had a really great right-hook, and if I knew what a right-hook was, I'd totally use it on Y-O-U.

Reasons why I dislike you:

You have ugly hair.

You need rhinoplasty.

You're mean.

You're ugly.

You're a bitchy mcbitch face bitchtastic bitch.

You can go suck Chuck Norris' dick. Although, I don't think you're good enough for him. He would probably get you in your nutsack with a roundhouse kick to the face.

I would like to start a coalition, to put an end to your cunt-wad ways. In order to do this, I will need you " the people " to help me. I've set up a paypal account below. Please send any funds directly to my account, so I can buy lysol, to disinfect the air of your cunt-waddy ways.

If you'd like to join the coalition against bitchy mcbitch face bitchtastic bitch........please leave a comment.

Thank you........and God Bless America!

Rawr! Meow! Itchy witchy woo!!!!

2006-03-03T20:42:00.000-08:00

Most people who know me, and I mean "intimately, spritually & sexually" know me, KNOW that I am a bitter, bitter, bitch. I'm the type of bitter bitch, who chews on pieces of plywood for breakfast. I'm the kind who ties children's shoe-laces together, only to hide underneath the dining-room table and watch them plummet to a disasterous fate, worse than swallowing paste.

I like paste. It is messy, but so hot. Paste is white, and tastes like gramma's chicken. I like gramma's chicken, therefore I like paste. Ha!

I hate couples. I hate the fact that we need two shoes, in order to form a pair.

I hate the fact we need a President.........AND a Vice President, just to make sure Dick and Bush have a friend to sit with at the lunch-table.

And I really, really dislike with a great fervor:

Random "in love" couple number 457

Yeah, they're in love and stuff. Who cares!? They can eat me!!!! And by the looks of Mr. & Mrs. America......they probably would, if it weren't for the fact they already had 12 pounds of deep-fried Oreos during snacktime. Yeah fatties!!! Take that!!!!

Whatever happened to real-deal issues...........like whether or not I should go with the tear-shaped or pear-shaped Implants.........?????????????

Yeah, I don't see anyone else throwing me a party for being in love with myself.

Do people send ME chocolates and flowers on Valentine's Day, because I successfully whacked around the turkey bacon?

NO.

NO, No, NO, NO!!!!!!!!

Yeah, well........I'll whack around my strips o' tam ( turkey shaped like ham), but until then.......here's an asshole of the day.

THE ASSHOLE OF THE DAY IS:

The WET SEAL CASHIER GIRL

Her name is probably Mandy, Randy, Sandy or Candy. She just bought the latest "Fall Out Boy" Album, is a size 00, and can't wait until she gets her braces off...........so she can.....brush her boyfriends' teeth.......better? Yeah, to brush teeth. That aren't hers'.

Anyway, this stupid ho-face takes forever to count my money, and give me change, and always asks if I have a Wet Seal discount card. When I reply that I do NO have said card, she doesn't instruct me on how to get one, although I probably shop in Wet Seal, as much as Star Jones' has sex with her husband.

I don't like the We Seal sales-girl. She is dumb. The end.

2006-02-27T21:14:00.000-08:00

So for now, this shitandstuff's new home. Right here in the deep crevices of Paris Hilton's vagina is where I'll write and hopefully make you laugh like nicole richie at a weight watcher's meeting.

The best of shitandstuff is archived here, so take a look around. More assholes of the day are coming.

2006-02-27T21:04:00.000-08:00

Ok boys and girls!!! Time for a Story!!!!

LESBIANS ARE FUNNY!!!! By Shitandstuff

Hello little girl! Hello little boy! Guess what?
Lesbians are really cool!!!! They are women who like other women
romantically/sexually and they can be described a lot of ways, but most
of all they are really funny!!! Just like me and you.

Lesbians wear funny hats.

Lesbians drive funny cars.

Lesbians wear funny shirts.

Lesbians make funny faces.

Lesbians eat funny food.

Caption " This apple is sooooo funny!"

Lesbians tell funny jokes.

Caption " When I was your age, I ate an entire fishing village!!!

Hahahah, no I'm just kidding, its a great joke I like to tell.

Don't shvizz with your lipstick dear."

Lesbians play funny games.

Lesbians are FUNNY!!!!!!!

So, the ASSHOLE of the Day is:

Charlotte Church

Not because she can't sing Opera.
Not because she's a Lesbian. Not because she wears fugly bathing
suits with ghetto hoops. Its because she should have started a
pop career immediately!!! I've listened to her new stuff and its
fantastic. Why were we tortured for so long with her awful popera
when we could have been boozing it up with char. and dancing at the
moulin rouge?!!!? If you want to see Charlotte's new music video,
go to http://www.video-c.co.uk/toptenwatch.asp?vidref=char003 . I
don't think you'll be too disappointed. Its quality.

Peace, bitches!!!!!

2006-02-27T20:56:00.000-08:00

This Journal Entry is dedicated to the letter A and Jack M.

I am leaving for school soon. I haven't been able to help
checking out all of the "back to school" specials and what a huge
market "back to school" has become. I think shopping for clothes
just to go "back to school" is rediculous, I shop all year long.
Flag Day, Christmas, Hannukah, Kwanza, All Saints Day, Secretaries
Day.......... the list goes on. Why shop just because you have to
sit in a classroom and rot with bad flourescent lighting and a math
teacher named Mr. Woodeigh ( pronounced Woody) who looks like he
has bodies in his closet and has breath that smells of
diapers..............?

Lets peruse some fashion options for teens going "back to school"........

Shall we...........?

1. Bohemian chic

Thanks to Sienna Miller a lot of people have been using this tired look
as an excuse to not shower and roll out of bed, put on a dirty crinkly
skirt and be all the rage. I must admit, I have a boho skirt I
bought recently and its like crack, because it is sooo comfortable but
resist dear friends, resist!!!!! I think this look should be
renamed "the Oberlin".

2. Classic Slut

You don't even have to bother matching your outfit if your wardrobe
consists mainly of black thigh high boots and latex. Just make
sure you show 80% of your flesh and you're good to go. In
winter make sure you show plenty of cleavage.

3. Huh?

If you're a waif....... you can get away with wearing a lot of
stuff. This however, no matter how big or small you are is a
NONO. There has been a common trend among women 18-25 to just
wear things that don't make any sense. What is going on
here? Did she have to escape a burning hotel and somehow make
clothing out of the 80's style table cloth?
Scary............ Maybe she's auditioning for a sequel to the
Never Ending Story, as the Dragon-Dog's left wing.

Ok...........So, I have an ASSHOLE OF THE DAY!!!!!

ANAL SEX

Anal Sex is something you will def. encounter if you like to stick
things in other people's butts. I know!!! Lets list things
you can stick, other than d*cks.

1. Snow Globes

2. Books

3. The Wicked Soundtrack

4. Chunky necklaces

5. Funny looking animals

Check out this NSFW website, its about ANAL SEX. www.analvalley.com

Anal Sex = but buffet

Love ya! Peace!

2006-02-27T20:52:00.000-08:00

Ok...................

So.......

I was crossing the street, contemplating my upcoming paper, and how
many books could fit into the small bag I had, when out of the blue,
some guy in a truck slows down yells "Hey! Girl!" , waves his hand,
gets my attention and then yells to his friend " holy sheet, she
looked!!!"

Why, are men so fucking dumb??!!!

From the looks of it, that guy was at least 18, what was he
thinking? Maybe he thought I would get the idea and jump into the
back of his truck, because he took the time to make a catcall from a
truck. Maybe I should have just ran to the car and screamed "OH
LOVER! Finally!!!! SOMEONE WHO WILL CALL TO ME FROM A
TRUCK, IT MUST BE FATE!!!!! LET ME IN HONEY BUNS!!!"

I would no sooner do that, than look like her

Even Kelly Osbourne, (quite possibly one of the scariest looking humans
I have ever seen) wouldn't latch onto that dude's car.

No one has read my journal in a while, so I guess I have to pull out the big guns.

SEX

because sex sells and I want some comments.

Some people think Mariah Carey is sexy.

She's ok, I mean, after a lot of aribrushing. But, how old is the
bitch? Like.... 75? She really needs to put the thong and
the Diamond studded microphone away and just enjoy an early-ish
retirement.

I really don't like this whole EMANCIPATION concept either.
Especially since she's used the fact that she's half white in the
professional arena to further her career. Bitch, stop trying to
milk your heritage, its tacky. Her image really confuses me,
because I feel even if she identifies herself as biracial and connects
to her African roots she waters down the person of color inside,
tooooooo much. The straightened hair, marilyn monroe dresses and
the airy, almost transperant singing voice, does not allude to Mariah's
pride in being one of color.

Naturally my ASSHOLE OF THE DAY:

IS

THE MINI-VAN

One of the ugliest pieces of scrap metal EVER!!! It puts a price
on the lure of marriage, a colonial, collie, and 2.5 kids by adding
bulk and stating that once you chose the life of parenthood, your style
is cooked. A Mini-Van is as sexy as Mary Kate in low rise
jeans. I don't care how many kids you have, 1, 12, 5, 145,
DO NOT buy a MINI-VAN!!! Put the keys away!!!! Get a
porsche, get a horse and buggy, but DO NOT buy a shit-mobile.
Thanks.

2006-02-27T20:50:00.000-08:00

In this blog we shall have an asshole of the day/week.

Today's Asshole is.........

Britney Spears

Ok, the whole thong
showing thing, is so ten minutes ago! Your stylist is lying to
you Britney! Fire him/her! I do like Britney's celebrity
persona, white trash is cool, I get it. I think its very
authentic of her Kentucky roots. However, if she is really going
to embrace her Kentucky heritage of the KKK and Kentucky Fried Chicken
she should be a woMan about it and just go without underwear at all,
instead of wearing 250 dollar thongs and making sure they show.

Similarly to Britney Spears the asshole of my recent aquisition is set
back in the fashion time machine. Not everyone is perfect and we
all make bad decisions sometimes but please, please if you're going to
make bad choices, make them current! Give me something new to
make fun of!!!! Puh-leeeaase!

Case in point, a message to Obies, Hipster-ism is IN! Hippy Dippy! is OUT

Tons of Kids are travelling back to the Reagan era with oversized
sunglasses, leg warmers and noses filled with coke. The days of
hemp necklaces, tie dyed shirts, and reefa is soooo 1994. This
makes me a little sad. Are we seriously leaving our grunge
inspired looks of chilchood behind? Is acoustic guitar out?
Is bad music and ugly hair cool? I love hippies, they are nice,
peaceful compost pile types and they really do care about the
environment. Hipsters, I can do without.

Top three reasons why Hipsters are not Hip:

1. People! You are not doing anything original when they start selling "Vintage-inspired" blazers at H&M!

2. Hard drugs are hard on your body, what's the point?! Do
you really want to look like a burnt piece of plastic? And...
haven't you seen Requiem for a Dream?

3. The 80's sucked politically and socially, why do we want to relive that shoulder padded torture!?

DON't DO IT, PUT THE BLAZER DOWN!!!!!

2006-02-27T20:46:00.000-08:00

Sitting in class today, it was hard enough to pay attention to the new
material being taught but as I turned to my right I was greeted with a
stench unsurpassed by any Oberlin student I have encountered.

I've smelled disgusting stuff, I'm human, I do my NUMBER two's like
everyone else. I've stunk up a bathroom or two in my day but goodness I
don't marinate myself in shit and patchouli. This kid smelled like he
killed someone and then used their carcass as a coat for a couple of
days, went for a dip in a sewer and rolled in trash for a few weeks.
Somehow he ended up sitting next to me in class and boy oh boy was it a
treat!

I'm sure you can all guess who my ASSHOLE OF THE DAY IS:

PEOPLE WHO SHOULD BATHE AND NEVER SHOW THEIR MIDRIFF ( or armpits)

WOW, I don't know where to start, there is so much excellent material here.

Umm..... "Hey! Armpit Princess(es) # 1 &2 my six year old neice wants her bathing suit tops back!!!!"

Goodness, gracious, if you're going to look like a smelly protester, go
all the way, don't steal an innocent child's clothing and then try to
fit it over your rolls of blubber. You should dress the part if
you're going to play the part.

My suggestion to these ladies is laid out below:

MY FASHION FIX-UP for ANGRY PROTESTERS

First, make a statement about your cause through your top:

Next, don't just show your armpit hair, show your leg hair too, with a skirt that makes your ass look huge:

Make sure you accessorize with garbage in your hair:

+

And that, ladies and gentlemen is the pefect attire for any protest function.

Tootles and Koogle!

2006-02-27T20:44:00.000-08:00

yo, yo, yo,

Mid-Terms are occuring as we speak. Golly, time flies. I
can't wait to get out of here. I am sure that while I am home I
will be eager to come back to Oberlin. Wow, how profound of me.

So, Halloween is coming, one of my favorite holiday's!! I've been
looking for costumes among costumes but often if I'm looking for 'Adult
Costumes' online, I'll be redirected to a dog costume site.

I have a dog. I love my dog. Having a dog makes me a better
person. He is the love of my life. I would go to the ends
of the earth for my dog. He's a chill dude. He just eats,
sleeps, farts, runs and watches tv.

While looking for a cotume for myself, I found this.

How cute??? Why must this cute little fella' be subjected to this
patronizing crap. I don't think he would wear that if he had a
choice. Of course, this leads into my asshole of the
day.

My ASSHOLE OF THE DAY IS:

PLUS SIZE DOG MODELS

They eat their Purina Science Diet and have to count the scraps they
get at the dinner table. All they want to do is have the cover of
the Dog Magazines, like the little, itty, bitty dogs. They will
never succeed at being stick thin because they are genetically a
certain size. Girls, don't let those cheap, tawdry poodles make
fun of you. In my heart, you big dogs are number one. Don't
try to frollick around the dog-run being something you're not.
You're big and beautiful!

2006-02-27T20:42:00.000-08:00

Yes, folks! I am sick! I am sick as a D-O-double G. I
have snot coming out of every orifice on my body and feel tired even
when I wake up from a long, peaceful slumber.

The lovely lady at student health prescribed me something and I'm
taking it, its kind of working but sucking out any moisture in my body
and then allowing me to hack it up. I have to get better by
Thursday, I have a special thingy and one of the most amazing people I
know is coming to visit.

So, since I've been locked up in my room, unable to go anywhere or do
anything other than work, I've been watching tons of Sex and the
City. I love the show, its amazing and funny and relevant.
However, who would have thought that a show starring Sarah Jessica
Parker would be so successful? I don't really have much beef with
Ms. Parker but she's not exactly the most beautiful woman I have ever
seen, nor the best actress. In the opening credits her hair looks
like bozo the clown gave her a hair transplant. The thing that
really bothers me about that show is if Carrie is supposed to be a
columnist, how can she afford $300 shoes? In real life that would
just not happen. City life is too expensive. Even if her
apartment is rent controled, she still wouldn't be able to afford all
of the prada, chanel and gucci she has. It just wouldn't happen.

So, if you haven't guessed, my ASSHOLE OF THE DAY IS:

IMPERIALISM

Due to this phenomenom, issues of race and class have trickled down
from Western European society and into the lives of people who were
once peaceful and lived full lives without the aid of
industrialization. Certain lifestyles should just be left alone
if they are peaceful, yet some motherfuckers want to open up a
McDonald's in every inch of the Congo. Now, what does this have
to do with Sarah Jessica Parker? I'll show you;

Sarah + Material Goods = Class & status

Material Goods are made by these guys above.

Slavery + Guys in Picture = material goods

Desire for Goods = Continued slavery

Well, I hope this was somewhat interesting, I have to go buy a Hermes bag before I get put on the waiting list. Ciao!

2006-02-27T20:38:00.000-08:00

Check one........

Check two..............

I lost my shoe and I'm writing now, like a brown cow!!!! My skin is pretty brown.

If you ever decide not to wear underwear and then run after a hummer, watch out for the mud.

Why are people so afraid of getting close? Its so weird. We
live in fear every day, not fear of nuclear war or George Bush being
elected for a third time, but little things. Interactions in our
libraries, bathrooms, offices.........whatever. If you really
want to live, you have to let fear go.

Well here's something really scary.

Caption should read: "Why am I being mentioned here?" OR "Hey, can you PLEASE pass the Patchouli?!"

I, yes, MOI...............

I've started to take a liking to Ani DiFranco's music. So much,
that I'm listening to it as I write in this journal. A friend of
mine, played a couple of songs for me one night, and now I'm a fucking
walking Cliche. I mean, Ani and I do really not go together on
paper. Here's a list.

ANI
ME

Puts honey in her hair to form dreadlocks.

Puts Bumble and
Bumble in her hair to style it.

Pierced nose.

Pierced ears, that are waiting for diamonds to
decorate them.

No makeup.

Makeup sometimes.

Sings songs about social justice, current events and women's
rights.
Sings songs by dead white guys.

Thinks women are powerful and not at all
desperate.
Watches Desperate Housewives.

Somehow, I think that Ani's music does something for me because she's
not a fucking poser. She's the real deal and although we're
coming from very different places, I see the honesty and integrity in
her work.

ON to the Asshole of the Day:

They threaten...........

They stalk..............

They taunt...........

They are downright MEAN!!!!!

They are..................

SEAGULLS!!!!!!

Watch out!!! They might poop on your head!!! Or spread a
rumor around between their seagull friends that you have the
herpes.

No matter, these disgusting birds place a bid on our sanity and
happiness at the beach. They totally want to eat our
brains. Seagulls are sort of like a huge flock of penises with
wings. They just don't make any sense. I mean, honestly,
what????

2006-02-27T20:27:00.000-08:00

the new space for shitandstuff